If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
