I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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