I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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