I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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