your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
