that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
