i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
