We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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