jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
