If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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