I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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