I need to stop coming to work sober
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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