I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
