i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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