were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
