sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
