The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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