and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
