True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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