Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
