a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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