I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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