Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
