Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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