That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
