I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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