the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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