Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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