somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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