Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
