I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
