I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
