I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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