she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
