mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
