No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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