When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
