woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
pray to the hookup gods
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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