ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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