Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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