I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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