did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You can't motorboat a personality
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
