all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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