So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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