The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
