I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
