I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
