My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
is that a dick in a sweater?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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