This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just want to make out with him forever
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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