NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
