I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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